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The Elevator Rhetoric

Mar 24 2006 | Views 1707 | Comments (2)

A strange discussion on smart elevators one saturday afternoon.... Expand

It happened to be one of those lazy saturday afternoons. Reggie and I entertained ourselves at the new Cafe Aubre that had recently opened shop. We had made infinite plans to check out the new place but never actually got to doing it until now. Andit was not because we had extremely busy lives. Did I mention that it was a lazy Saturday afternoon?

The Cafe was chic with an indoor and outdoor seating space. Outside, they had placed umbrella tables that could seat about four people. The entire establishment breathed serenity. It was a great place to sip coffee and read those classic novels fo the 20th century.

I watched the waitress bring out our cafe lattes while Reggie fiddled with the hologram system attached to the table. There was no doubt he was tuning for the news channel. Reggie had always been a sucker for news. Always up-to-date on the latest events. His only reason was that it helped him break the ice at boring parties that he frequently attended.

The waitress placed the self-steaming cups on the table, smiled and said.'Two cafe lattes. Enjoy.' I smiled back. She was rather cute. Reggie continued to fiddle with the system, with total disregard. A few second later, he gave up and said,'Technology man. You think they'd make things easier for you but no. You need a degree in atomic physics to operate even simple machines these days.'

'Taste the coffee. It's quite good.' Reggie took my sound advice and tasted his coffee. 'Mmmm...oh, that's good coffee.' He agreed. And we sat there, relaxing and enjoying the good coffee.

'Hey, they've started construction on the Ivory Towers two blocks from my place.' I said. Since he didn't get his dose of news, I decided to feed Reggie with whatever was relevant in my world.

'Oh really?! That's good. How many floors is it going to house?

'Around 400.'

Reggie whistled his awe. 'Are they planning to include stairs?'

'Don't be ridiculous! It's the 22rd century, remember?! You know stairs were eliminated from skyscraper construction 50 years ago. Replaced quite efficiently by high-speed intelligent elevators. And using the stair to reach the 400th floor, you'd be dead by the end of the trip. It'll be like an expedition' I said.

'Yeah, I know. But I'm one of those ever-diminishing hopefuls who believes that mankind may never complelely succumb to the allures of modern technology. I believe that sweat and toil has its own value and satisfaction.'

'And you believe climbing stairs is part of living a satisfied human life?' I asked.

'Well, you do have to sweat and toil to reach your destination floor, don't you? Plus, climbing stairs is good for your health. Anyways, it's not the lack of stairs in building these that annoys me.' Reggie said.

'Pray tell what does annoy you?' I quipped.

'Its these bloody intelligent elevators.' Reggie sipped his coffee. I had an irrevokable desire to scratch my head.

'Okay, spill it. What have you got against elevators? They are designed to do their job well. Service humanity in the simplest of forms.' I had to ask.

'I don't mind them serving humanity. I'm all for that because that's their job. It's when they start doing other things that really bugs me. For instance, why should an elevator find it necessary to hold a conversation with the passengers?'

'You know every elevator is fitted with an AI, although of a simpler processor model. Initially, the aim was to encourage a less stressful environment in office buildings. But the idea caught on. I, for one, think its a great idea. For instance, have you ever noticed that when in an elevator, no one ever talks..no greetings whatsoever?' I said.

'Of course, natural human behavior. What would you expect from a bunch of strangers confined in a closed space suspended on cable?' Reggie said.

'Studies have shown that if people in such confined space actually had a conversation, their mental attributes greatly improve. But, knowing humans, no would actually start a conversation for fear of looking ridiculous and absolutely friendless. So the scientists figured they'd assign that task to the elevators.' I said.

'That's all fine with me. I don't mind a Good Morning! or what music would you like to hear, sir? every once in a while. But when an elevator asks me if I've been to New Mexico or Tokyo, that's pushing it. The darn contraption's never been out the main doors of the building. What the hell would it know about Tokyo?' Reggie voiced his
opinion. He was clearly agitated now.

'Well, maybe it was made in Japan?!?' I answered.

'Y'know, the elevator at the Sears Colony Apartments had the audacity to ask me if I was visiting my girlfriend. Then it wished that it too had a girlfriend, someone with whom it could really share it's heart. I mean, did that machine fry its circuits or what? I'll tell ya, I left that building in a hurry, my friend, before that looney bin decided on me as its potential girlfriend'. I couldn't help but laugh.

'You think that's funny. You won't believe this one then. The Meryl Hotel elevator once asked me for the time. For the friggin' time. Now why in the world would an elevator want to know the time?'

I laughed but replied intelligibly,'Maybe it was trying to measure its efficieny.'

'Efficieny my foot! I bet it was upto something. Something suspicious and most definitely nasty.' Reggie loved conspiracy theories. However, in his world, corrupt governments have now been replaced by a deadlier force - corrupt machines. He believed that man and machine were heading down the road to a climatic global war with each other. Although, I never agreed, I hardly ever argued with him on the subject. Reggie's thoughts and povs always seemed to add spice to our rather ordinary lives. I was always entertained when in the company of
Reggie.

'Reggie, what the hell would an elevator gain by taking over a hotel?' I asked.

'I don't know. I didn't ask. But taking over a hotel, or any buisness organization for that matter, an ingenious way of bringing down the human race - wage an economical war. They can shut down businesses that would result in a loss of millions of credits, market and stock crashes, and eventually cripple an entire nation.' Reggie sounded very
convincing.

'I'm sure there are precautions in place if those kind of situations ever arise. After all, man has been dealing with intelligent machines for over a century now.'

'I suppose so. And that's what I'm saying, that we should be cautious. Nevermind,....even if elevator aren't planning anything that dramatic, they don't have to be rude to us.'

'What do you mean?'

'My friend Charlie once used the elevator of the Halos Guild Hall. The elevator there was downright rude to him and clearly hurt his feeling.'

'What did it say to him?'

'Well, the smart-ass elevator told him that he was a 100 lbs overweight and that his extreme weight was severely inconveniencing an otherwise simple, hard-working machine. Unlike him, it did not get any health benefits from its employers and it could already feel traces of wear and tear creeping through its systems. It finally asked him to
co-operate to create a happy environment for all.'

'Bet Charlie was embarassed. Did he kill the elevator and send it to machine hell?' I asked.

'No...he went and lost the 100 lbs.' Reggie said with an expressionless face.

'You're kidding?!! How about that! So, using an elevator can be good for your health, huh!'

'I don't think so. Anyway, it was an isolated case. And Charlie....you can never take Charlie seriously. But my point is that the elevator had no right to pass judgment and medical advice to that poor human being. It should have done its job and assumed that it was working under hazardous conditions.'

The coffee was all gone and it was getting late. I said,'We better get going if we want to catch that movie.'

I paid for the coffee and got up. Reggie finished his cup and lifted himself from the cushoined seat. Quietly we stepped out the Cafe and onto the sidewalk. I looked up at the Sky lanes high above our heads.

Traffic was beginning to pick up above us. Down below, the streets were pedestrians who preferred using the oldest mode of transportation.

'Y'know what I ought to do? Reggie asked to no one in particular. 'I ought to start one of the groups like Greenpeace and Forestlovers. I'll call it Stairway Savers or something like that. I'm sure I'll get plenty of supporters. People are crazy about things like these. We can organize protests in front of City Hall.'

'Reggie, you've never started anything in your life.' I had make him face facts.

'Well then, this is a great opportunity for me, what you say? I'm really passionate about this.'

'Passionate about your hatred towards elevators? Alright.' There's wasn't a need for me to steer Reggie clear of this new venture. Akin to his nature, In a couple of days, he would find something new, and Stairway Savers would take the road to oblivion. 'Hey, you don't mind if we stopped by Gina's place?'

'Why? She isn't joining us, is she?' To the point, as usual. I smiled inside.

'No..I have to pick my book from her.' It was the truth. She had called earlier and asked me to drop by.

'Okay, As long as you make it quick. I hate being late for a movie.' He hated Gina also. Those were invisible words that hung in the air around us. She had dumped him about two months. The boring parties were actually working for, so Reggie said.

'Don't worry. It'll be a Knock, Pick, Go operation. But you'll be happy to know that Gina's apartment complex is one of the older models that actually has a stairwell. So, here's your chance to satiate your nostalgia and exercise those legs.' I said with expectation.

'Why? Don't they have elevators?'
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The Elevator Rhetoric

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